I’m having major surgery tomorrow and over the past couple of weeks I have had an epiphany. Initially I was really scared about my operation because of the things which had gone wrong during and after surgeries in the past. I was finding myself paralysed with my thoughts of the ‘what-ifs”. I read a post by Robert Rabbin, and I got to the line where he said “How tragic to go through life a prisoner of the past.” I realised I was being trapped by my thoughts of what had happened in the past. I had a wave of tears when I read this and realised that the only thing which was real is the moment that I’m in. I can learn from the past, but not be paralysed or trapped by thoughts about them. Why waste energy on the what-ifs of the future? My resolve is to stay connected with my intuition and experience and make decisions and deal with every moment as it arises.
I also realised that it is not the fear of dying that I had, it was the fear of not living my life as fully as I can. It was the fear of not having the experiences that I wanted to because I held back…the fear of not sharing my love as fully as I could have… the fear of not speaking up openly and honestly and leaving with things unsaid…. and the fear of not truly acknowledging and expressing the splendour, wonder and magnificence of my life.
I have a deeper knowing about how to revere the specialness of my life, and feel a calmness I have never felt before. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring… or the next moment really. All I can do is connect deeply with my inner guidance, and when I do that – all will be as it is.