The moon was hanging alone in the darkness. I looked across the dark void toward the glowing moon on this night of the lunar eclipse, whilst I nested on a lamb’s wool rug and lay protected by large rocks from the cold westerly wind. I asked myself when I felt most alone.
I didn’t feel alone walking in the middle of the night when the eucalypts shadowy arms lay down a path for me along the rocky track to climb our local mountain.
I didn’t feel alone lying there being the only one at 2am to be listening to the calls of the night birds drift on the breeze toward the sea.
I didn’t feel alone when my sleepy eyes searched for the the millions of stars which hid away from the glowing orb.
I realised however I did feel alone when I was not truly seen. When I was misunderstood. Misjudged.
I realised I have yearned to be understood. To be truly seen. To have the intention of my heart to be known.
I realised I felt safe and a deep level of contentment when another connected with me in the understanding of me…When the intention of my heart was felt and known.
It feels like coming home when the resonance of understanding illuminates my chest; and yet I have never felt so afraid and alone as when I have not been seen. Where who I am is veiled by another’s eyes and capacity to see me. My chest felt like there was a vacuum screaming for the void to be filled with knowing of me; understanding of me. I felt alone when there was this voice screaming out within me to be heard and taken notice of in the truth of what was revealed of me.
I recalled feeling the feeling in my chest when I felt like my intentions have been misunderstood and misjudged and I have no opportunity of expression to clarify them; or speak up in defence of misinterpretation.
I recalled this vacuum when my voice and my heart were not recognised and when the connection with those I wanted most to see me – wasn’t made.
I recalled the ache once in my chest when a well intentioned gift revealed such a lack of knowing of who I was and I felt betrayed by my own faith and belief in my delusions this person truly saw and understood me.
I realised in the yellowing glow of the lunar eclipse that more than my desire to be loved, was such an inner yearning to be ‘SEEN’ and understood – so that I knew that the person who loved me actually loved the Truth of who I am; and ‘understood’ me…. not a version they had of me in their own perceptions of me; or that somehow I satisfied something of their own needs from what their perception of me was in their life.
I recalled during the night where the wind snuck in the darkest crevasses; that some time ago I realised that having this expectation of others to see me was unrealistic; and perhaps their own choice of glasses meant they weren’t able to let them see what I was so willing to reveal and glow like the moon which was suspended in front of me above the horizon of the early morning sky.
I asked myself on this night of the lunar eclipse why my chest ached and I felt alone when I am not understood. Do I feel an injustice that I am misunderstood?…that who I am – is not seen…. not understood because I am not seen in the truth of who I am… and therefore not able to be loved in the purity of who I am?
I recalled realising some time ago that like the stars in the morning light – I needed to abandon all expectations that another would see me… understand me… know me. That is my own journey. Self-knowledge. That has been my goal for much of my life. I can’t expect another to know me… to understand me. Perhaps I need to feel more at home and content within myself so that it doesn’t matter whether another sees me. Perhaps it does matter? Perhaps it should matter. But for now I can’t let it matter whether someone sees me or understands me.
My intention is to know myself and understand who I am; as well as doing my very best to see others… to truly see them and understand them…. to enable a communion with them where there is a level of contentment felt of being understood and recognised for their unique Being.. not just a projection of my wishes of my perception of them.
Have you ever felt that ache of being alone? Perhaps not. Perhaps you haven’t been willing to ‘go there’ and allow yourself to truly open and feel what your deepest yearnings are…. or perhaps you have always had someone who ‘understands’ you… someone with whom you feel content with and feel ‘at home’ with. Perhaps you haven’t felt alone because you have someone who truly sees and understands you. That is such a Blessing … and for those who don’t; it is time for self-knowledge, self-understanding and to take the time to truly understand others and create more knowing, understanding and true loving of each other; even if you aren’t really understood by others yourself.